Well if you may have noticed, there is quite a “positivity shift” going on out there. Thousands of quotes bomb us all day everyday: Do what you love! Be who you are! Be happy! Stay positive! Be a unicorn! Kill ’em with kindness! Not to mention the countless and very fake: I woke up like this! Millions of perfect selfies, breakfasts, outfits, brunches, lunches, beds, shoes, abs, thigh gaps, smiles, designer bags and so on. The superficiality just has no end. It kills us definitely with kindness and perfection. It eats us! (it eats me, but also some people around me, thats why I say US)

I mean I can tell you that every here and there I wake up not looking like my-best-self. This includes sometimes eye bags (OHMY!), pimples and a very fckued up face. I grief, have heartburn, am disappointed, overdosed on work or my mommylife, struggling with family issues not to mention the injustice happening out there. And there comes a point where I ask myself: Well, what if I am not okay?

Is it okay not to be okay?

Is it okay to say out loud the things that bother me like:

– People cheating people – talking behind backs, not being loyal, looking forward to make you look bad only to make themselves look good (just disguisting!), showing bad faces when bad times come.
– Having fights with your loved ones – I mean I do not like it, but sometimes I struggle. Sometimes words just can hurt so much, especially coming from someone you love or respect deeply.

– All the media hypocracy – presenting every day everything as perfect, when life is far beyond that. Happiness is not even an emotion (justsayin). It is a very small particle of time when your expectation is finally turning into realization.

– Health Issues – All that Chia Superfood Shit I had enough. I am living a quite healthy life, but my emotions stuck sometimes and suddenly it hits me, or just some other missituation happens and I get sick.

– Financial Problems – yes we live in very unstable times, so when money problems come along the way, it does not wonder me. How about you?

Pic by KODZO

Am I the only one fighting with these problems? Because it seems to me that in a perfect world out there where daily a dozen of people is being killed, most of the first world people do not talk or show their personal daily problems. Or if we talk about problems, we talk about global issues.

Can I live my life and with my micronic self give contribution to this world?

Instead of pointing out what others are not doing, I wanted to take a very first step and say what bothers me these days. Beacuse I am my problems and I have never been ashamed to talk about those. I even find it very healing when I share my worries with people. Its like only half a burden I have to carry with me around. So what bothers me these days is that my husband and I go through tough times. I am fighting every day and I plan to continue to do so, as long as I have love or I know I am not being indifferent about our life together.

I am challenging myself daily if I am being a good mum. Is little BabyChi going to be okay? Will I make it to raise an appropriate person? A person whois deeply understanding, full of tolerance a good friend, granddaughter, student, wife… It scares me to a point where I can’t even breathe and then I get mad at myself because I have had so many bad days until today and if I want to make it, I just can’t have that anymore. I have to be on the top of the game. If you add those two very big fears some small annoying here-n-theres with our families and some very corruptive environment I have been in lately, where real values have no weight at all, there you go –  you have a ticking bomb.

Thats how I feel – tick, tack like the explosion is near. I started to do Yoga in order to relax and I do. I really do relax a bit (otherwise the bomb would be long exploded I think) but it hasn’t got much easier. I know it is a process and it takes a lot to understand and to heal. But I just had to address it and shout it out. Deep within I am being very positive about everything. But the raising up kids question is a very big one though. All I can think of is spreading love (as good as I can in my situation) for my kids, making them better humans than we are, hoping that this very disturbed world can get into its golden conscious age again. A world where the people would not have to flea from their countries, where people would not live in fear for the lives of their loved ones. Meaning saying to my little one that she is NOT the center of the world, that she has to perceive others with respect and gratitude. That she can not have zillion of toys, that this world has boundaries (meaning whats right or wrong and not what she can achieve in her life), that she is perfect like all the other kids out there, not more or less perfect than those. I am going to say to her that in the beginning and in the end there is love. In between there are (and should be) all of the emotions she gets to understand, transform and make the best out of those for her, for people around her and so on. If I could only manage to do this somehow efficiently I would be more than happy and it would be more than okay currently not being okay.

I am not deleting these rows, no matter how confusing they might be for some of you out there. I am standing behind this rows and vows… Hoping for the best…. For me, for you, for babychi…

Chi in front of Kodzo Lens!